There is something that keeps me away from sleeping for a while now. I lay there trying to rest, trying to do what most people are doing at that same time of the night. I tried to understand what this thing is and all it did was to make me more awake. It felt like I had a little alarm clock inside me that had gone off and I never managed to turn it off back again. Or maybe it was my pretending not to know what it was that keept me wide awake. Maybe it was my trying to think about a thousand other things to push this one thought away that would not allow me to fall into a slow yet deep sleep.
It happened a while ago and the heartbreak is lasting much longer than I could or even would have imagined. Or expected. However, the relationship itself lasted much less than I had wanted or desired for. It was by laying my head on the pillow at nights that I started figuring it out how I truly felt, how I had not yet forgotten and how I was failing myself… After all, I tried to make “us” work out. Failed. I tried to get over it. I was failing on that too. I was even failing to fall asleep, for crying out loud!
The memories, smells, situations, alive feelings, smiles and glowing eyes/looks were true artists creating their masterpiece: my insomnia. I was like a camera with a 1000GB memory card – all memory pictures fit in and not a single one was left out. The worst nights were the “what if” ones: “what if it had worked out fine?”. A thousand more questions of the sort would pop in my head in a speed perfect for chasing pains.
While my mind was fully awake, my heart felt asleep and my soul, in a coma. I wanted to turn them around and have my heart awake and my mind in a coma so I could put all the memories to sleep. A beautiful, refreshing sleep. Should I manage to send them to the other side, I would succeed in sleeping. I must keep trying… I must keep on trying just as I had tried to make that feeling last for the both of us. If I had been able to try to make an affair turn into a relationship, I surely could try to turn my thoughts into dreams in a long sleep! Unlike the non-love situation, the sleeping only depended on me.
Uplifted from the coma, I realised this was the last thing I remember thinking about when I woke up the next morning.