I remember every detail of realising the most difficult and yet so clear moment of my life. It was pouring outside. The rain was so heavy that the sensation was that if one dared to walk by or even through it, it would enter another world. I got up from the couch to pour me another glass of a wine I cannot remember now if it was red or white. It didn’t matter. All it had to do was numb me. I was hoping the alcohol would take me away from the day I knew I had lost you, lost us. I sat back on the couch with my legs spread wide open, throwing my head back, wishing the way back to us were as easy as coming back from the kitchen to the living room. The water outside was too weak for my inside. It was simply not enough to wash down my feelings. When had it come to this? When had the competition of our ironic looks start or the rolling of our eyes followed by sighs and sometimes even screams? When had we crossed the rain curtain? How and when did tonight arrive? This moment where I was secretly talking to the ceiling and praying some wisdom would drop down from there since the rain outside was making no difference. Was there really nothing I could have done? Or you? Did we even want to talk to each other, tell one another what to do? Would you be willing to, please, talk to me, tell me something helpful? Had I lost my way with you or had it been the other way around? I know I lost it so deeply that half of me felt just gone, drifted somewhere unknown. I stared at my reflection on the window but could only see half the man I used to be. And that was only on the outside… The inside felt broken into smithereens. Or maybe like drops of water. Drops that had rinsed away the colour of my eyes and the glow of you. Many of them just like the pouring rain outside. That was the moment I fully ackowledged the entire scenario and wondered how long it had been raining inside you. How long had I been dry to the bones? Did I do this? Was it me who made us an illusion at first and now a terrible reality? I got up again with a little more difficulty to get some more wine. It was smooth and felt soothing. There wasn’t much left so I finished the bottle. Or bottles. It does not matter. All that matters was that I felt like both the rain and the bottle: heavy and empty at the same time.
One Comment Add yours
Nice text. I missed the picture…
I like happy and funny stuff better, this one was kinda sad, but profound. 🙂